It was quite the rage a few years ago to pen one’s bucket list–defined as all the things you feel you must do or experiences you must have before you kick the bucket. I never wrote a bucket list, but I do have a list of things I really have no desire at all to do. I call it my Rhymes-With-Bucket List (yeah, you can figure it out), and I swear I’d be perfectly happy to reach the end of my days without ever having experienced any of the following:***
1. Skydiving According to www.bucketlist.net, the most common activity on bucket lists is skydiving. Is anyone really surprised? Yet I have no desire whatsoever to float on a cushion of air, fly my canopy, or any other metaphor you can think of for intentionally plummeting 10,000 feet to my possible death . As I understand the physics of skydiving, heavier people fall faster than thin people–that means when I pee myself from sheer terror the urine could climb my windswept body at speeds up to 160 mph. Pass.
2. Getting an Exotic Piercing Eew. Just. Eew. And allow me to apologize in advance if you’re unable to sleep tonight because you can’t shake the disturbing image of me with such a piercing.
3. Running for Public Office Civic duty, good of the many, selfless servitude, blah, blah, shaping public policy, blah, blah, blah. I know–why don’t I roll in chum and skinny dip in a shark tank? The feeding frenzy would be the same. Can you think of a quicker way to find your motives, your personal life, and your good name ruined?
4. Times Square at Midnight on New Year’s Eve I’m a people person, but the thought of being trapped asses-to-elbows in the freezing cold with sea of drunken pickpockets and gropers just doesn’t appeal. Besides, I can get the same effect on a much smaller scale by staying at home on December 31st.
5. Anything NASCAR I know I take my life into my own hands by admitting–here in the heart of Pennsylvania–that I have absolutely no interest in the sport. Please address your hate letters directly to me so as not to burden other members of my family, who are completely innocent in this matter.
6. Playing Video Games Did I ever tell you the story of how my kids once tried to teach me the finer points of Zelda? Are you sitting on something absorbant? The Infinite Monkey Theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. But I can play away indefinitely at even the simplest video game without getting past the first level–in some cases without getting past the instructions. I’m just not beating that dead horse any longer.
7. Drinking Absynthe A potent spirit distilled from wormwood, anise, and fennel, absynthe was once banned in the US because of its alleged aphrodisiac and narcotic properties. So of course my husband had to have some in our liquor cabinet as soon as it became available again. It’s a guy thing, I guess. I’ll admit that absynthe has a fascinating history as well as a super-cool metaphor: dancing with the green fairy. But I don’t care how many sugar cubes it’s poured over; the stuff tastes hateful.
8. Running a Marathon Predicatably, this is also mentioned frequently on the lists at www.bucketlist.net. But even if I were in better shape I can’t imagine any runner’s high sublime enough to tempt me. Now a marathon full-body massage–with or without the happy ending–that’s a marathon I can get behind.
9. Volunteering in a Foreign Country Go ahead and be a hater, but there are plenty of good causes right here that would appreciate our support. Volunteer work isn’t made more generous or pious by a passport.
10. Kissing in the Rain or Snow Am I less romantic because I just don’t see the point? What kind of mass hypnosis has been perpetrated by the movie industry to convince us that there’s something special about making out while cold or damp? And are we going to stand for it? Get a room, for Pete’s sake.
So there you have it: my Rhymes-With-Bucket List. Agree or disagree, the movie of my life will be complete without any of the scenes I’ve just described.
***Disclaimer: I’ve expanded my list to include some things I’ve tried, but would be happy never to repeat. Deal with it.