Lord knows I’m not perfect. When I go out in public, I should be required to ring a bell and wear a sign warning people in case they want to stay clear. But I’d hate myself forever if I didn’t pass these bits of wisdom along to the other members of my gender*:
Don’t. . . .just don’t—-especially if you are a plus-sized lady like me—-have your children’s names tattooed around your upper arm so that as you age the font begins to distort and run like the icing on mid-summer birthday cake.
Don’t. . . .just don’t—-even if you are a lovely (albeit obviously stoned) young lady—-walk around in public with the tie strings of your red thong hanging out the back of your too-low jeans. I don’t care if your handsome (albeit equally stoned) male companion thinks it’s sexy and can’t wait to pull that ripcord, you look like a My Little Pony walking on its hind legs.
Don’t. . . .just don’t—-no matter what your age or shape—-choose to wear bubble gum pink from head to toe. I’m talking about matching eye shadow, lipstick, dress, handbag, and high heeled pumps. . .unless, of course, you’re on your way to a costume party dressed as Pepto Bismol Barbie.
*Today’s blog brought to you by real women shopping at a major home improvement store chain.