Private Property -- Men Confess Why They're Br...



It is said Women sprang forth from Venus,
Masterpiece of class, species, and genus.
And they reach for the stars,
Unlike Men, sent from Mars
Who must filter each thought through a penis.


June, 2013



I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but men and women are different. It’s true. And I’m not talking about the most obvious differences: the secretion of a Stooge Appreciating Hormone, and the first thought that comes to mind upon hearing the word facial. So while one mustn’t perpetuate gender stereotypes, realists have no difficulty acknowledging the cavernous divide that exists between the genders.

1. Black and Blue
Women wear black because it’s classic, versatile, slimming, and it goes with everything. Men wear black because they think it’s navy blue. Yes, the same male eye which can detect the hint of a nipple 100 yards away and beneath three layers of winter clothing, simply cannot distinguish between black and dark blue. A woman’s eye, however, not only can recognize blue, but the subtle differences among seven seemingly identical pairs of black pumps. Women can also see discernible facial expressions on cats.

2. Massage Bliss
An hour-long deep tissue massage in a dimly lit room, with scented candles, essential oils, and soft music. . . responses to this pleasurable diversion vary almost exclusively along gender lines. An extremely scientific study consisting of my asking several massage therapists proves the fact: No matter how relaxing the massage, a woman will try to stay awake for the whole thing because she just doesn’t want to miss a single luxurious, pampering minute. Most women would rather fall asleep during. . .well, during almost anything else. Men? My sources tell me that most men fall into a deep sleep the moment the massage begins and must be awakened afterward. AND they consider the masseuse’s fee to be money well spent.

3. Pillow Fights
When a woman decorates a room, she budgets time, thought, and money toward the inclusion of pillows—coordinating throw pillows that tie together the living room’s color scheme; numerous fluffy pillows that make a bed look cozy and oh, so inviting; fun, oversized pillows for lounging on the floor during game night or movie night. To a woman, there are pillows for every room and a room for every pillow. And a guy? Except for the one pillow he sleeps with at night (which is likely to be ancient, flattened, and suspiciously stained), a man regards pillows with the same level of impatience and disdain that a teenager reserves for punctuation:  They are useless wastes of space and effort inflicted upon the world by masochists.

4. Pairing Up
It’s just this simple:  Women marry potential; men marry a dream.  A woman chooses her mate based on the man she believes he will one day become, while a man falls in love with a woman he believes to be perfect and expects that she will never change.  Before you throw your coffee cup at this blog page and label me an unromantic bitch, just know that there’s plenty of science to back this one up, and it has to do with both genders’ desire to perpetuate the species.  They just see the pathway from different perspectives.  There is a bit of bad news, however.  The woman who marries a man she expects to mold into someone else will be every bit as disappointed as the man who expects his wife of many years to look, act, and think exactly as she did as a new bride.

5.  Tab A and Slot B
Every part of a woman’s body has a job to do and requires a lifetime of upkeep and maintenance.  Every part of a man’s body is just one more thing for him to play with.  Generations of sly women have suspected the Almighty is really female simply because She favored them with reproductive organs that are safely tucked up inside the body, and not just hanging out there all vulnerable and exposed to the elements like her male companion’s.  That is until she realizes that her tucked-up parts are prone to suspicious lumps, discharges, and malfunctions that necessitate frequent submission to humiliating, invasive medical procedures, while a man romps through life with his best friend never more than an arm’s length away and ever ready with an impressive repertoire of party tricks.  Pop quiz:  What are the female equivalents of tea bagging, playing bag tag, or pissing your name in the snow?  Can’t think of any?  Now you get it!

I’m not suggesting there’s anything about either gender that needs to be fixed; in truth, don’t we find our differences among life’s great puzzles and pleasures?

~You don’t get harmony when everybody sings the same note.

DOUG FLOYD, quoted in 1,600 Quotes & Pieces of Wisdom That Just Might Help You Out…