Along Interstate 80 stood Bambi,
Concentration–at best–namby pamby.
At the wake later, Crow
Paid respects to his bro:
Said, “At least you taste better than spam, B!”
Autumn in Pennsylvania: the fiery foliage, the crisp temperatures, pumpkin flavoring in everything from ice cream to toothpaste.
If there’s one thing Pennsylvanians love more than a garage sale, it’s Halloween— a holiday that’s equal parts cute and creepy. Well, this year you don’t have to look beyond your back yard to find the perfect costume: just in time for Halloween ’11, we offer the finest in scare wear based on surprisingly accurate Pennsylvania stereotypes!
PENNSYLVANIAN LADIES’ HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
It’s hard being a single mom with two jobs. But ladies, one word makes it easy to dress up for your Pennsylvania Halloween: slutty.
That’s right, Pennsylvania gals from Jugtown to Intercourse* will be whispering Victoria’s secret on October 31st as they don the lingerie they wouldn’t be caught dead wearing any other time of the year. Add a halo and wings, and you’re a slutty angel! Pitchfork and horns? Poof! you’re a slutty devil! Switch out a few simple-to-find accessories to transform your look from slutty nurse, to slutty kitty cat, slutty librarian, or a slutty Catholic schoolgirl. And don’t worry, moms, the irony of attempting to escape the drudgery of your life for a few hours by dressing up as a some man’s plaything will be lost on everyone!
PENNSYLVANIAN MEN’S HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
Guys, we haven’t forgotten about you! And for once, the big fashion choices don’t belong to the ladies!
1) Steelers Fan
The very name—Steelers—evokes hardworking underdogs. Like the millworkers who inspired their persona, the Pittsburgh Steelers are rough and ready, those f-able action figures that every man wants to be like and every woman wants to be with.** You can’t be a Pittsburgh Steeler, but you can be a feral, rabid Steelers fan for Halloween quicker than you can say, “Hey, yinz jagoffs goin’ to da Gine Iggle?”
The Steelers fan costume is easy to assemble and highly customizable. By October your local WalMart will bleeding gold and black from every department, so just grab a shopping cart and go to town! Clothing, jewelry, accessories, toys, snack foods, automotives, housewares—the possibilities are endless! Throw on some face paint, cover up what nature gave you with a Steeler-striped wig, and it’s game on! If your body is less a temple than a billboard, have your team loyalty burned right into your flesh (see illustration above) —that way you can be the source of sniggering side comments even when it’s not football season.
Oh, and guys—don’t forget to stop in the pharmacy aisle for some black and gold Steel Curtain condoms in case you end up bobbing for apples with that slutty lady police officer you just met at the Halloween party.
We Pennsylvanians have never met an animal too beautiful to kill. In fact, the more magnificent the creature, the deader we want it. Now, in the grand tradition of Pennsylvania blood sports, you can be a hunter for Halloween.
The color palette for your hunter costume should be Earth tones. Camo is essential, as it has magical powers. Pennsylvania hunters are required by law to wear 250 square inches of flourescent orange on their heads and upper bodies, but authentic PA sportsmen interpret that amount to be roughly the size of one knitted ski cap. More important than protective orange are the heated gadgets hunters must carry: battery operated socks, gloves, seat pads, coffee mugs. . .Peppering your conversation with hunter-approved bon mots like thinning the herd and Did you hear a buck snort? will guarantee you more tricks than treats. Sling a grimacing carcass*** over your shoulder and that coveted most disgusting costume trophy is in your pocket!
The great state of Pennsylvania is filled with history, beauty, and tradition. You know what else is true about the great state of Pennsylvania? It’s Philadelphia on one end, Pittsburgh on the other, and Arkansas in between.****
So if the Steelers Fan or the Hunter don’t meet your costuming needs, you can turn to a real crowd pleaser: the Redneck.
The basics of a good redneck costume can be found in any Pennsylvania home: the flannel shirt, the Confederate flag, and the ball cap. What will make your redneck special are the personal touches you add: How crude is the saying on your ball cap? Is your t-shirt stained and short enough so that your beer belly is seen hanging over your waistband? If you can’t grow scruffy facial hair or a mullet, see if you can rent them for the holiday. Make sure your beer is of the lite variety, and remember that a redneck’s teeth take two forms: 1) missing, and 2) Austin Powers.
Seriously, Pennsylvania is lousy with Amish people and there’s no reason you shouldn’t celebrate a night of terroristic threats (Trick or treat, yo.) and devil worship by paying playful homage to the plain people of Pennsylvania Dutch Country. Just know that you’ll end up looking like this as you beg strangers for candy:
Your Amish Halloween costume begins with a handmade suit in dark blue or black, along with a handmade shirt in a patternless fabric. How do you feel about suspenders? Just asking. And we hope you’re not too dependent on buttons. But in exchange modern fasteners and the like, you’ll step out into the night wearing a fly straw hat and work boots caked with manure. Also necessary for your Amish look will be a long beard (Ah, ah! No moustache!), wire-rimmed glasses, and hands the size of catcher’s mits.*****
Be a sport for Halloween by dressing up as one of these staples of small town America. If you can still fit into your old varsity jacket or team jersey, that’s the way to start. If not, cozy up to your local high school’s booster club for some replacement spirit wear. Keep in mind that FWUEHSFSRHGDWFABS‘s often end up coaching at the community level, so polo shirts or hats embroidered with the word COACH go a long way toward reaching the desired effect. Accessories would include a middle-aged spread, as many district championship rings as you can fit on your fingers, and a bum knee. Authenticate your costume by using your beer bottle to gesture as you tell for the umpteenth time the story of how you saved your team’s ass with a miracle play. The one thing that will put your costume over the top is a son whom you can push into sports and through whom you can live. Rent one if you have to.
So there you are, trick or treaters, set to rule All Hallow’s Eve in your Pennsylvania finery. And yinz thought ghosts and goblins were scary. . .
* Real Pennsylvania towns. Also Blue Ball, Virginville, Ono, and Noodle Doosie.
** Girls, proceed cautiously if your action hero is wearing number 7.
*** Available for a small extra fee, unless you have no problem with poaching.
**** An old joke, but a good one.
***** Missing fingertips are optional.