in the bleak greyness of morning, i absently stir my coffee,
then, curious, search the reflection in my spoon for something familiar.
but the face looking back is someone i’ve never met.
the eyes are still brown, yet with no trace of laughter, of fire, of mischief.
these eyes are darker, duller, downcast, waiting for the next blow.
undressing for the shower, my flesh sloughs and falls away like snake-skin
revealing a creature too raw, too vulnerable for the world to receive.
my essence escapes in wet footprints left behind on the marble—
evaporating, disappearing, slipping the bounds of this place,
perhaps to find sanctuary in a more welcoming home.
eighteen months since i’ve been myself
unguarded, unconcerned
eighteen months since i was flayed and laid open
defenseless, incredulous
eighteen months since i’ve lived
in the fullness of afternoon i contemplate my existence;
ruminating, waiting for the reward of some clarity.
patience is a virtue i’ve only begun to appreciate:
conceived in controversy, born of necessity, quietly insisting
that i still my mind, slow my heart, and listen—just listen.
as usual, i make do with uncertainty and confusion;
no rock-solid foundation on which to make my stand,
no sweeping manifesto revealed by thunderclaps and parting clouds—
only me.
in the stillness of night i imagine that, buried deep inside me,
protected by the moist warmth of my resting body,
is a tiny seed struggling, struggling mightily to germinate.
within its hard coat hides the genetic code of my future self;
the me i have yet to become, the me i was meant to be
fifty-one years since my eyes saw the sun;
thirty years since true love called me home;
twenty-four years since this body first produced a miracle;
eighteen months since the storms came and laid my landscape low;
one tiny seed that will find light in the devastation and become an orchard.
~lisa
Cheaper Than Therapy... 
When I read your blog, I pause for a moment and I think about nothing but your beautiful prose. Thanks!
What a kind thing to say. I am grateful for your encouragement! Thanks so much~
Wow…so often I read your work and it is so descriptive and so powerful that it hits me like a hard blow to the face. This piece if so full of raw emotion that my heart both sinks at the sadness of my view of you in this state, but also lifts, full of elation at how wonderfully written it is! It leaves me anxious and hungry to read more! Mrs. B…if ever you become a published author, I will buy every book! Elizabeth Gilbert has nothing on the raw character and deliciously descriptive prose that you so readily produce on your blog. 🙂
Love you, Stephanie